Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
