Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
