I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
