I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
