Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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