I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize