btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
