Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I smell like Dick and happiness
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
