Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
