i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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