Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
