Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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