my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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