She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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