You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
