wrigley field is MILF paradise
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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