My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
someone threw a dead crab at me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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