the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
