My nipple is on Facebook.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize