i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
