im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
