I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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