Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
