Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
