I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
