I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
