My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
