Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Drake has all the answers
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
