you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
