after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
