Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
