dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
