it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
