I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
