i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
