Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
