Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
