Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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