i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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