College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Two words: blizzard sex
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
