I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
