Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
