We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You pole danced in your parka.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
