My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize