Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
