I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
