no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
