i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
