We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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