...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
