last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
