You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
