my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
