she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
