I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
