Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
