new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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