Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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