so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
