Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
